Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
from the wicked who do me violence,
my deadly enemies who surround me.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
When I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.
Psalm 17:7-9, 15
So, my heart is a little gloomy today. It's not a bad day by any means... just when I slow down and stop moving, my heart feels a little heavy. I have days like that - where I am restless and prone to feeling down. My fuse gets a little shorter. My mood a little drearier. My joy feels a little farther away. I have learned to watch my heart and to be aware that on days like this I am prone to see the dark side of things and to be more critical or more vulnerable to temptation. On days like this, God often feels farther away and I find it harder to get into the word.
So, it has been harder to sit in my Psalm today. I find myself wanting to turn it into task to get done while not engaging my heart. But the reality is that I need God to answer David's prayer for me.
David is in trouble (he's in trouble a lot), but he doesn't ask for physical deliverance. That kind of struck me. He prays for refuge - but it seems to be an emotional refuge, a quietness that comes from knowing he is loved by God regardless of his circumstances. He is asking for an increased awareness of God's steadfast love, his covenant love.
Keep me as the apple of your eye. Weird language for a pupil, but a powerful image. It seems to mean, keep your eye on me and be as protective and careful of me as you would be of the black dot in the center of the eye that watches me.
Hide me in the shadow of your wings. Gather me close. Hold me near your heart, covered in the warmth of your loving protection. I don't know why, but it puts me in mind of a memory from my childhood when my Aunt Irene held me on her lap while we were on some kind of road trip. She held me and I felt safe. I don't have a lot of memories from my early childhood, but that is a good one.
My head knows even as my heart resists - my greatest need is to be warmed by a renewed experience of God's love for me in Christ. I need to know that God delights in me. But more than know it, I need to feel it. The gospel tells me that I am loved even when I feel unloveable because I am in Jesus, and there is no condemnation, no separation, or rejection, no disappointment from God, for those who are in Christ. I am covered in his record, his righteousness.
And right now I need to not just know it, but to feel it. I need to not just accept it, I need to believe it. I need my heart warmed by the glow of God's fervent, present, steadfast love.
When I awake, one day in resurrection, I will be thoroughly, profoundly satisfied, with you as one made in your likeness. And today I need to remind myself - wake up and remember the truth of who you are in Christ. Wake up to what you have. Wake up to the love that is, even now, being poured out on you as one made in the likeness of God and remade in the likeness of Christ.
Prayer:
Lord, you are never far from me. I am weak and my body frail. Exhaustion creeps in and with it the lies that I need something other than you and your love for strength, comfort, and renewal. Awaken me to a renewed experience of your steadfast love. Hold me, even as my heart gets restless, in your gaze of love and draw me close so that my heart reawakens to your love. Thank you that my place in your love, my standing in your grace, is as sure as Christ is risen.
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