In the Lord I take refuge;
how can you say to my soul,
"Flee like a bird to the mountain,
for behold, the wicked bend the bow;
they have fitted their arrow to the string
they have fitted their arrow to the string
to shoot in the dark at the upright in heart..."
The Lord is in his holy temple;
the Lord's throne is in heaven;
his eyes see, his eyelids test the children of man.
The Lord tests the righteous...
Psalm 11:1, 4-5
That's a crappy place to be and a horrible way to feel. I hate to feel helpless. That is probably one of the worst things I can feel. I don't like pain, but I can fight my way through it. I don't like the threat of failure, but again, I can mount up everything I've got and do my best.
But helplessness. That feeling of exposure and vulnerability with no safe place. An unrelenting feeling that says, "Do something! Anything!" when you can't do anything. It says, "Fly like a bird!" but I can't.
That sucks.
So, to comfort himself in the face of this situation, David reminds himself that God is still on the throne. He still has power. He will still bring justice. He is not blind to the pain or injustice. And he has a purpose for the current season - testing.
So, this phrase caught me: God tests his children with his eyelids.
What the heck does that mean? It seems to be saying that it is like God is disinterested in my suffering, far away, and unconcerned. Like I need him and when I look at him, it feels like his eyes are closed in sleep or disinterest.
But David doesn't respond in despair or anger or accusation to this. He says instead that God has a purpose in it. He is testing us. He isn't testing us to see if we will fail - he already knows we will if we are left to ourselves. He is testing us to increase our ability to succeed by increasing our faith and dependence on him.
The contrast at the end of the Psalm makes it clear that his testing of us is actually an expression of love to us. It reminds me of those times when my kids needed to grow in areas of independence, so I
made them do something on their own that they wanted me to do for them (like go to the counter at the fast food place and ask for something). They would look over at me and I would be busy doing something - but I was watching them closely. I was much more attentive to them in that situation that I was when they were just sitting next to me making obnoxious noises because I knew their need was greater. But it was important for them, in that moment, to know they could do this on their own.
The huge difference with God, though, is that he doesn't need to teach us to be independent - he needs to teach us to accept and embrace our dependence on him because we can't do anything on our own. Jesus said it clearly in John 15 - you can do nothing (as in NOTHING) apart from me. Our issue isn't learning to stand on our own two feet - it's learning that, apart from God's sustaining grace, we can do nothing. It's learning not only that we can lean on him by faith in every situation, but we have to. Our independence is a self-delusion that makes us weak and isolates us from the true power and joy of life, a walk of dependence in the Spirit.
God tests us - or pushes us in uncomfortable ways - to reveal to us that he is absolutely enough. As I have heard often said, until he is all we have, we don't see that he is all we need. God wants to free us to this incredibly freeing truth so we can stand in his strength instead of fail in our own.
Prayer:
Lord, you are a good and loving father. I often doubt your motives and your power. I don't come out and say it. I guess I am too cowardly often to acknowledge those thoughts, but I see it in my lack trust and reliance on you. I want to help myself and I get pissy with you when you don't bless my efforts at self-blessing. Thank you for the tests that free. Thank you that you push me to grow in faith and dependence. Thank you that you are never far from my pain and suffering and that you promise to redeem it and restore all that has been lost.
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