Parenting: Sometimes Success is Failure

So, here is a familiar scenario:  You are standing in line at the grocery store and your little angel has been teetering on the dark side of angelic all morning.  The tipping point comes when you hit the check out line and your child sees that bright and colorful something that was perfectly places to create a crisis for parents.

It happens.  Your child reaches out and grunts - or worse, actually swipes it as you walk by.  And you take a deep breath and say the magic word: No.  And in that moment, your little angel crosses completely over to the dark side and becomes a midget demon.  The thrashing and wailing begin.  Other parents move slowly away.  The security guard talks quietly on his walkie-talkie as he moves where he can watch your every move.  The clerk stares at you with her blank stare and saucer eyes.

And in that moment, you wish you had the silver bullet that would kill that tantrum and restore your child to "angelic" status and you to "respectable parent" status.  

There are strategies that work - and some that don't.  There are thousands of books out there marketed to entice you with their simple strategies and inspiring success stories.  You can find any number of variations on the old "10 easy steps to a well-behaved child" idea.  Some are a little more original - designed to stand out from all the other, tamer, titles - like "Out-scream the Screamer – the shock and awe approach to parenting." 

I hate to say it, but some of the Christian stuff out there is the worst.  Some of these programs endorse a one-size fits all mentality to discipline.  They tell you that your kid is a sinner (a true statement), all you have to do is spank it out of them (a foolishly shortsighted statement).  The worst part is that they weave together a twine of misinterpreted scripture to tie down well-meaning parents with their "This Is God's Only Way" type approach.

The problem is that these programs focus primarily on changing a child's behavior.  The basic assumption is that a child who is quiet, compliant, and socially acceptable is a glory to God and proof a great parenting.  The problem is that the Pharisees of Jesus' day were all of these - and yet were rejected by Jesus as Sons of Satan.  Their behavior was right - but their hearts were not.

The subtle (or not-so-subtle) message of many of these books is that if we can just get our kids to do the right things, they will become the right people - and from a biblical perspective, that is just stupid.

The real problem with these approaches is that they approach parenting like a doctor – trying to surgically remove isolated, unhealthy behaviors or like a gardener – trying to plant isolated, positive character traits.

But our goal isn’t to start some behaviors and stop others – it is to get our kids to know God in such a way that they come to love him.

They don’t need a minor rehab of their hearts or a rearranging of the behavioral furniture.

Their only hope is a recreation – and that requires the power of the gospel.  Our kids' only hope is the gospel - because God is the only one who can give them new hearts. So that means that our primary job is to consistently preach and live the gospel out in front of them so that they come to believe it is true.

In the end, what our kids believe is much more important than what they do.

This was the topic of our sermon this last weekend at The Journey Metro East.  You can hear more here.