I had a conversation with a friend last night about the use of "the five love languages." If you are not familiar with the love language model, it is actually a very helpful model of how to understand the way those we love give and receive love - and how that differs from us. It comes from a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages and I highly recommend it if you haven't read it.
I can vouch that the model helped me love my wife better. I am a words of affirmation and touch guy. So I value Lauren's praise and her touch. Lauren on the other hand is a works of service person. She shows love by doing small acts of kindness or helpfulness - and she feels loved when I reciprocate.
The tension here is obvious.
In our early days so of marriage, I would walk up to Lauren and say oh-so-smoothly, "Hey, baby, you look good in that outfit" while laying my hands on her in an affirming way. I sure liked it when Lauren did that to me - so surely she would enjoy it too, right? Wrong.
Why? Because, on my way across the room to her, I completely ignored the fact that she had spent hours organizing my messy desk. Or worse, I noticed it and responded by saying, "Huh - you did this? Why?" I then made the problem worse by walking past the light switch she had asked me to fix three weeks ago as well as the overflowing trash can sitting in the middle of the kitchen on my smooth way to giving her a hug.
I was speaking my love language - and ignoring hers. I was an arrogant tourist who refused to learn the local dialect and expected my wife to ignore my ignorant offenses. Like an American-on-holiday yelling at the poor non-English speaking inn keeper "WHERE...IS...YOUR...BATHROOM?", I was neglecting my responsibility to study my wife and learn her language.
And that is a temptation - to refuse to become love language bilingual. I know how to speak my language. It is comfortable. It feels right. I like to hear it and I like to speak it. It is pretty easy to become a bit of a love-language elitist. My love language is best, obviously, so you need to adapt to me!
So we assume we are showing love - but at the same time do not feel loved in return.
And then pretty soon we learn to speak our language in two ways - the first to communicate love - the other to communicate that we don't feel loved.
I like words of affirmation - so I insult you.
I like touch - so I hit you.
I like acts of service - so I vandalize something so it won't work right or passively-aggressively don't do something I know will cause you problems
I like gifts - so I steal or refuse to give
I like quality time - so I ignore you and simply do not have time for you
It is amazing how something that started out as love can end up so ugly and selfish. No one starts out a relationship hoping it will devolve into the defend and attack cycle of "I want love" / "I don't feel loved" / "I want you to feel how unloved I feel."
So, let's end this up on a hopeful note. We can become bilingual. We can learn to speak multiple love languages. We can, if we will humble ourselves and learn to show love in ways that may not feel natural - and may even feel a bit costly to us.
Where do we start? Here is a helpful tip, one I found to be quite helpful. How does your wife / husband / parent / sibling show love to you? When you think about it (and do not get this wrong - learning a new love language will require study and sacrifice) - how does she / he show love to you?
Do they do little acts of service? Study how to serve them. Do they leave you notes in special places to show they are thinking about you? Leave them notes. Do they say kind things to you? Learn how to give compliments honestly and simply.
This is the great irony of love (and of following God in love) - the only way to experience greater love ourselves is to learn how to love others better.
I can vouch that the model helped me love my wife better. I am a words of affirmation and touch guy. So I value Lauren's praise and her touch. Lauren on the other hand is a works of service person. She shows love by doing small acts of kindness or helpfulness - and she feels loved when I reciprocate.
The tension here is obvious.
In our early days so of marriage, I would walk up to Lauren and say oh-so-smoothly, "Hey, baby, you look good in that outfit" while laying my hands on her in an affirming way. I sure liked it when Lauren did that to me - so surely she would enjoy it too, right? Wrong.
Why? Because, on my way across the room to her, I completely ignored the fact that she had spent hours organizing my messy desk. Or worse, I noticed it and responded by saying, "Huh - you did this? Why?" I then made the problem worse by walking past the light switch she had asked me to fix three weeks ago as well as the overflowing trash can sitting in the middle of the kitchen on my smooth way to giving her a hug.
I was speaking my love language - and ignoring hers. I was an arrogant tourist who refused to learn the local dialect and expected my wife to ignore my ignorant offenses. Like an American-on-holiday yelling at the poor non-English speaking inn keeper "WHERE...IS...YOUR...BATHROOM?", I was neglecting my responsibility to study my wife and learn her language.
And that is a temptation - to refuse to become love language bilingual. I know how to speak my language. It is comfortable. It feels right. I like to hear it and I like to speak it. It is pretty easy to become a bit of a love-language elitist. My love language is best, obviously, so you need to adapt to me!
So we assume we are showing love - but at the same time do not feel loved in return.
And then pretty soon we learn to speak our language in two ways - the first to communicate love - the other to communicate that we don't feel loved.
I like words of affirmation - so I insult you.
I like touch - so I hit you.
I like acts of service - so I vandalize something so it won't work right or passively-aggressively don't do something I know will cause you problems
I like gifts - so I steal or refuse to give
I like quality time - so I ignore you and simply do not have time for you
It is amazing how something that started out as love can end up so ugly and selfish. No one starts out a relationship hoping it will devolve into the defend and attack cycle of "I want love" / "I don't feel loved" / "I want you to feel how unloved I feel."
So, let's end this up on a hopeful note. We can become bilingual. We can learn to speak multiple love languages. We can, if we will humble ourselves and learn to show love in ways that may not feel natural - and may even feel a bit costly to us.
Where do we start? Here is a helpful tip, one I found to be quite helpful. How does your wife / husband / parent / sibling show love to you? When you think about it (and do not get this wrong - learning a new love language will require study and sacrifice) - how does she / he show love to you?
Do they do little acts of service? Study how to serve them. Do they leave you notes in special places to show they are thinking about you? Leave them notes. Do they say kind things to you? Learn how to give compliments honestly and simply.
This is the great irony of love (and of following God in love) - the only way to experience greater love ourselves is to learn how to love others better.
Comments