In 2007, I taught a parenting forum at The Journey. I posted the audio for that forum here, but The Journey has since cleaned up their media archives and this forum was taken down. For some reason, though, this blog entry continues to be one of the most popular on my site.
So, in an attempt to offer something of value, I am going to update this blog to reflect some of the best information we explored at that forum years ago. Many blessings to you in your parenting journey.
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Too often we as parents discipline out of wrong motives or for wrong goals. We want others to think we have it all together. We don't want to embarrassed in public places. We sure don't want to look like those "other" parents who have no control over their kids. How do we enter into parenting with true humility and raise "good" kids who are no more than legalistic moralists or moral relativists?
The gospel tells us that we are both more broken and sinful than we care to imagine, and that we are also more loved than we dare hope. Humility allows us to enter into the brokenness without despair while hope and faith allows us to embrace God's empowering love to become what we created to be. This message is at the heart of godly parenting.
Dan Allender, in his book How Children Raise Their Parents, says that every child is asking two heart questions: (1) Am I loved? and (2) Can I have my own way? These are the two most foundational questions we must answer in all of our discipline.
There are four ways to answer these two questions. Each of these answers will lead to very different parenting styles and responses in our children. They are:
Yes (you are loved). Yes (you can have your own way). This is the permissive home. This is the home where children are "spoiled" and become presumptive of life. The children come to think, "You are here to make me feel good about myself and serve me." Parents often play the martyr in these homes. They may say,"I am doing my best, they just walk all over me." The subtle message of the parents in this home is: I don't like to be inconvenienced or conflict, so don't push me and I won't push you.
No (you aren't loved). No (you can't have your own way). This is the harsh home. This home has high expectations for behavior, but a child can never live up those expectations. Kids in these homes may turn out to be hard workers and responsible adults - but they will often have a hard time giving and receiving love. The subtle message of the parents in this home is: measure up and then I will love you, but you probably will never measure up.
No (you aren't loved). Yes (you can have your own way). This is the abusive home. This is the home where the parents are so consumed in their careers or addictions that they just don't have time for the kids. Kids in these homes face the biggest challenges - it is bad to be told you aren't good enough, but it is worse to be told you aren't even worth noticing. The subtle message of the parents in this home is: it would have been better if you hadn't been born.
Yes (you are loved). No (you can't have your own way). This is the gospel-centered home. This home communicates a high value for the individual - you are unique, loved, valued, and important - but it also communicates that you, as a loved and important person, are not god and will not be treated as one. The gospel tells us that we are made in God's image and were designed for dignity but that sin has spoiled the purity of that intent and, as a result, we need to be both assured of our dignity (you are loved!) and our brokenness (you are a sinner and can't follow every intent of your heart!). The subtle message of this home is: you should live in the humble-confidence of the gospel because you were so bad Jesus had to die (to earn your forgiveness) but you are so loved that he was glad to die (to bring you into his presence forever).
The challenge of gospel-centered parenting, then, is to learn how to answer the questions of our children's hearts with the gospel. We have to do this through both directive and corrective discipline.
A solid discipline plan will be focused on both discipline (corrective strategies) and instruction (directive strategies). While some people tell you that there are only certain acceptable discipline strategies, the reality is that every child is different and requires unique treatment. You can't discipline a Warrior Child in the same way you would correct The Pleaser. You need to know your child so that you don't "provoke your child to anger" through your attempts to correct.
All children, though, need a steady diet of the gospel truths. They need to hear they are loved. They need to hear that God loved them so much he sent a Substitute for them - a man who stood in their punishment so they could stand accepted in him. They need to hear that they don't have to work to earn your or God's acceptance - they are accepted in Christ and because of Christ. They need to hear that while they are loved, they are not god and cannot expect to be treated like him. They need to learn how to change their sinful behavior - not to be loved - but because they are loved.
May God help us root our own hearts in the gospel so that we can be the parents our children need us to be. In the end, parents, you need to know that you will fail - because you also are not God. But God's grace is sufficient - not just for you - but for your parenting too. You can trust God with your failures and your inadequacy, because his grace is greater than even your sin.
So, in an attempt to offer something of value, I am going to update this blog to reflect some of the best information we explored at that forum years ago. Many blessings to you in your parenting journey.
.....
Too often we as parents discipline out of wrong motives or for wrong goals. We want others to think we have it all together. We don't want to embarrassed in public places. We sure don't want to look like those "other" parents who have no control over their kids. How do we enter into parenting with true humility and raise "good" kids who are no more than legalistic moralists or moral relativists?
The gospel tells us that we are both more broken and sinful than we care to imagine, and that we are also more loved than we dare hope. Humility allows us to enter into the brokenness without despair while hope and faith allows us to embrace God's empowering love to become what we created to be. This message is at the heart of godly parenting.
Dan Allender, in his book How Children Raise Their Parents, says that every child is asking two heart questions: (1) Am I loved? and (2) Can I have my own way? These are the two most foundational questions we must answer in all of our discipline.
There are four ways to answer these two questions. Each of these answers will lead to very different parenting styles and responses in our children. They are:
Yes (you are loved). Yes (you can have your own way). This is the permissive home. This is the home where children are "spoiled" and become presumptive of life. The children come to think, "You are here to make me feel good about myself and serve me." Parents often play the martyr in these homes. They may say,"I am doing my best, they just walk all over me." The subtle message of the parents in this home is: I don't like to be inconvenienced or conflict, so don't push me and I won't push you.
No (you aren't loved). No (you can't have your own way). This is the harsh home. This home has high expectations for behavior, but a child can never live up those expectations. Kids in these homes may turn out to be hard workers and responsible adults - but they will often have a hard time giving and receiving love. The subtle message of the parents in this home is: measure up and then I will love you, but you probably will never measure up.
No (you aren't loved). Yes (you can have your own way). This is the abusive home. This is the home where the parents are so consumed in their careers or addictions that they just don't have time for the kids. Kids in these homes face the biggest challenges - it is bad to be told you aren't good enough, but it is worse to be told you aren't even worth noticing. The subtle message of the parents in this home is: it would have been better if you hadn't been born.
Yes (you are loved). No (you can't have your own way). This is the gospel-centered home. This home communicates a high value for the individual - you are unique, loved, valued, and important - but it also communicates that you, as a loved and important person, are not god and will not be treated as one. The gospel tells us that we are made in God's image and were designed for dignity but that sin has spoiled the purity of that intent and, as a result, we need to be both assured of our dignity (you are loved!) and our brokenness (you are a sinner and can't follow every intent of your heart!). The subtle message of this home is: you should live in the humble-confidence of the gospel because you were so bad Jesus had to die (to earn your forgiveness) but you are so loved that he was glad to die (to bring you into his presence forever).
The challenge of gospel-centered parenting, then, is to learn how to answer the questions of our children's hearts with the gospel. We have to do this through both directive and corrective discipline.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, ubut bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. - Ephesians 6:4
A solid discipline plan will be focused on both discipline (corrective strategies) and instruction (directive strategies). While some people tell you that there are only certain acceptable discipline strategies, the reality is that every child is different and requires unique treatment. You can't discipline a Warrior Child in the same way you would correct The Pleaser. You need to know your child so that you don't "provoke your child to anger" through your attempts to correct.
All children, though, need a steady diet of the gospel truths. They need to hear they are loved. They need to hear that God loved them so much he sent a Substitute for them - a man who stood in their punishment so they could stand accepted in him. They need to hear that they don't have to work to earn your or God's acceptance - they are accepted in Christ and because of Christ. They need to hear that while they are loved, they are not god and cannot expect to be treated like him. They need to learn how to change their sinful behavior - not to be loved - but because they are loved.
May God help us root our own hearts in the gospel so that we can be the parents our children need us to be. In the end, parents, you need to know that you will fail - because you also are not God. But God's grace is sufficient - not just for you - but for your parenting too. You can trust God with your failures and your inadequacy, because his grace is greater than even your sin.
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